Atonement and Forgiveness

CW: Mention of sexual abuse and incest

In the first episode of the Living Jewishly podcast, Rabbi Yossi Sapirman and Dr. Elliott Malamet discuss atonement and forgiveness in preparation for Yom Kippur. Through personal experiences and examples from the Torah, they dig into what it really means to forgive and be forgiven, and the grey areas we often face when seeking atonement.

How and why do we need to forgive? Should we forgive absolutely everything?

Jewish law and human reality can sometimes be seen to be at odds. Many believe that Jewish law asks us to seek forgiveness three times, and if forgiveness isn’t given, the responsibility of the sin is placed on the person who was wronged in the first place. But is this really how it works? Elliot and Yossi know there’s more to it than that. Forgiveness is more complex than “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you,” and they discuss skills to seek forgiveness and to forgive – depending on the situation.

What if the person isn’t sorry, do you have to forgive them?

It’s a mitzvah to forgive someone but what if the person offering an apology is doing so insincerely, and is only saying the words “I’m sorry” as a means to an end? The key starting point of an apology is that the person forgiving must have their feelings validated by the person apologizing. Yossi and Elliott discuss a few examples that dig deeper into this topic and suggest that the three steps are better understood as stages.

What happens if the person who feels wronged, doesn’t tell you?

Is it fair to expect an apology if the person that caused you suffering doesn’t realize that they’ve done so? Yossi and Elliott discuss how the seeking and granting of forgiveness is a process that must be understood in the context of basic human nature.

12 Step Programs

12 step programs can create a pathway for forgiveness and atonement in an a-religious way.. Yossi and Elliott discuss what it means to seek forgiveness in a 12 step program.

Forgiveness As Part Of A Religious Training

Terri Jentz, author, was attacked on a cycling trip as a teenager. She defaulted to forgiveness because of her religious training which she said was very detrimental because it left it with a legacy of powerlessness for many years. How does religion play into your willingness to forgive?

A Formula For Forgiveness

Is it possible to create a formula around atonement and forgiveness in a way that the sinner is safe to speak and a methodology for the one that was hurt receives validation? We invite your thoughts on the subject and want to hear how you have experienced atonement, forgiveness and making amends as we approach Yom Kippur.

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Links mentioned in this episode:
Terri Jentz www.amazon.com/Strange-Piece-Par…ntz/dp/0374134987